THE DIS-CONSTITUTION OF THE (Rarely if Ever) UNITED STATES
A.K.A. “Let’s Call an End to this Experiment Thing”
PREAMBLE:
We, the Soon-To-Be-Former People of the (Rarely-if-Ever) United States, in an effort to mercifully prevent the complete destruction of and final relegation to the dung-heap of history the centuries-long mythologically-proportioned American Dream, and to allow those so inclined to cling to a vestige of the ever-suspect concept of American Exceptionalism, do hereby declare the once sometime hopeful Experiment officially ended. (The beakers in the lab have been spontaneously combusting for… well… since (at least) 1791, but at an exponentially alarming rate since Nov. 9, 2016. Neither Bill Gates nor Elon Musk have been able to definitively determine the cause, refusing to ‘Like’ each other long enough to put forth a hypothesis as to its demise. (Beaker shards will be available as collector’s items on Amazon while supplies and/or the Unfettered Giant lasts.)
Because of the current, indescribable state and due to the utter lack of interest in keeping the charade going on any further, We hereby declare and dissolve these (Rarely-if-Ever) United States of America and put forth the following Rules & Articles of Dissolution:
· ARTICLE I: THE NEW NATION STATES
For simplicity, the (Rarely-if-Ever) United States will be divided into 48 Nation States using existing state borders. Alaska will be bequeathed to Canada (because it never should have been otherwise). Texas will be dissolved entirely as an organized state and be designated, all time, as ‘Unredeemable’. It will become ‘Imanass-1’, a ruggedly individual, survival of the fittest territory. The other forty-eight existing states will deliver half (50%) of current State National Guard weapons and ammunition caches to Imanass-1 within the first 6 months of the Transition Period. These weapons and ammunition are to be left in one massive free-for-all pile at the doors of the former State Capitol Building in Austin. Live streamed feeds from various locations within Imanass-1 will be available in the Nation States for entertainment & gambling purposes.
There will be a 3-year Transition Period during which the 48 Nation States will:
1) Change their name (if so desired)
a. Existing states with “New” in their names must change their full name or simply eliminate the “New” (The word New is being reclaimed to mean New).
b. For obvious reasons New Mexico must pick an entirely new name.
c. West Virginia must pick an entirely new name because it is not ‘West’ of anything really, and it cannot be just Virginia unless Virginia decides to change their name.
d. Washington can no longer be Washington as it might trigger unhealthy nostalgia for the sparsely toothed General & 1st President of the (Rarely-if-Ever) United States. So, it must change its name.
e. Arkansas, if it chooses to keep its name, must change its spelling to Arkansaw (to accurately reflect its citizen’s spelling & intonation aptitude).
f. None of the 48 new Nation States may use the name Texas or anything that resembles or sounds like it, such as Hexes, Lexus, Nexus, Plex’s, or Vexes.
2) Newly create or amend their existing Constitutions
Establish whatever form of government they so choose for themselves (Constitutional Republic, Direct Democracy, Aristocracy, Plutocracy, Oligarchy, Dictatorship, Theocracy, Ignoramacy, etc.)
3) Mergers
During the Transition Period States are allowed to merge and unite for economic and ideological continuity either through negotiated agreement or armed conflict. When armed conflict, if, at the end of the Transition Period, a clear winner is not obtained, they will be declared separate territories and named ‘Imanass-2’, ‘Imanass-3’, ‘Imanass-4’ and so on. The Rules of Imanass-1 will apply with whatever supply of weapons and ammunition remains in each territory.
4) Trade
Be responsible for creating their own trade policies and agreements with other Nation States and other Nations. Since all Trade Agreements, Trade Sanctions, and Trade Tariffs of the formerly (Rarely-if-Ever) United States will be dissolved, Nation States are free to trade with any miserable, despotic, inhumane, blood-thirsty, or genocidal Nation they choose.
5) Protection
Be responsible for their own protection and military infrastructure as necessary to keep their particularly defined peace and prevent escapees and troublemakers from Imanass territories from breeching their borders and infiltrating their populations as they see fit.
6) Infrastructure & Self-Sufficiency
Be responsible for becoming completely self-sufficient in creating and maintaining both public and private infrastructures and institutions. (Think of it as Rugged Individualism as a Nation State, utilizing whatever collective, divinely inherent Bootstraps Nation State citizens still believe in.)
· ARTICLE II: EXISTING FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
1) Foreign Properties
All Military Bases, Embassies, Offices and Properties in foreign nations will immediately be closed, and the buildings, lands, and contents, including all weapons of warfare, be put up for sale, allowing for other Nations to determine who will become the next “Exceptional One” using whatever means they deem appropriate.
2) Foreign Federal Agency & Military Staff
All Military Personnel and Federal Agency Staff will have 1 year and $600 each (paid for from the proceeds of the sales of the above foreign-based installations properties & contents) to apply for Immigrant status in the Nations where they are serving. If they are denied status in those Nations, they will have 3 more months to return to their home Nation States or any other Nation State that will receive them. If no Nation State will receive them, they are encouraged to use their military & diplomatic skills to sneak into Alaska or choose the Imanass territory they believe affords their best chance of survival although all weapons they may have been issued in service to the (Rarely-if-Ever) United States MUST be left where they served, so they can be sold. Thoughts & Prayers be with you.
3) Domestic Federal Properties
All Military Bases, Federal Offices, Federal Agencies and Properties located within the geographic (Rarely-if-Ever) United States will, after the Transition Period, be closed and the buildings, lands and contents be put up for sale to the highest bidder from among the new Nation States. All lands and contents not sold to Nation States will then be offered up for bid to Foreign Nations. All proceeds will be held in a Shell Company in the Cayman Islands, their purpose & distribution to be determined at a future date.
i. After the Transition Period, all remaining weapons of warfare currently held at all Military Bases located within the geographic (Rarely-if-Ever) United States will be summarily ‘gifted’ to the new Nation States of California and York (formerly California and New York or whatever new name they adopt). All weapons of warfare located on Military Installations West of the Mississippi River will be gifted to California (or whatever new name they adopt) and all weapons of warfare located on Military Installations East of the Mississippi River will be gifted to York (or whatever new name they adopt).
ii. “Weapons of Warfare” as defined in this Section 3 of the (Rarely-if-Ever) United States Dis-Constitution includes everything — all land vehicles, all aircraft and all ammunition including nuclear weapons and their delivery mechanisms.
4) Domestic Federal Agency & Military Staff
All former employees in all former agencies of the (Rarely-if-Ever) United States federal government will be provided $600 stimulus payments to aid in transitioning into Nation States governments and relocation as/if necessary (paid for from the proceeds of the sales of the above stated foreign & domestic federal military & public agency installations). If Nation State’s Cost of Living is higher than the stimulus aid or employment in Nation State’s governments is not available, former (Rarely-if-Ever) United States federal government employees are encouraged to refine, sharpen, and implement their divinely inherited Bootstraps as particularly defined in the Nation State where they take up residence.
5) Sales Proceeds Remaining
No remaining proceeds, after all $600 Stimulus checks are written & mailed, from the sale of foreign and domestic Military Installations, Embassies, Offices, Properties, and their contents will be used to pay down any outstanding debt accrued by the former (Rarely-if-Ever) United States. All debt to Foreign Nations and former States accrued by the former (Rarely-if-Ever) United States is considered Exceptionally Forgiven by said former (Rarely-if-Ever) United States. All remaining proceeds from sales will be held in a Shell Company in the Cayman Islands, their purpose & distribution to be determined at a future date.
6) US Congress (House Representatives)
All current (soon to be former) US Congressional House Representatives of these (Rarely-if-Ever) United States are to be auctioned off to the highest individual (human) bidder. No Proxies and absolutely no Organizations, Businesses or Corporate entities are allowed to purchase and own a House Representative ever again for time immemorial or after a 5-year individual ownership period has expired — whichever comes first. After the 5-year mandatory ownership period has expired they can be sold only to Third World Nations or to persons from Third World Nations or Organizations, Businesses or Corporate entities.
7) US Congress (Senate Representatives)
All current (soon to be former) US Congressional Senators are to be immediately rounded up, taken to the soon-to-be-former China Lake Naval Base (at Ridgecrest, CA), marched out a minimum of 50 miles from the Gate into the desert and summarily shot using AR-15 military-style assault rifles by individuals from their respective States who competitively bid and win the honor. The method and pattern for execution is as follows:
a. Attach them, somewhat loosely, to the side of tall barrel cactus using 6” long sections of 2-part self-adhesive Velcro (as many as necessary — secured on the backs, standing upright and facing outward).
b. Beginning at the center of the Forehead — One Shot from 12" distance
c. Move 6” straight down — One Shot from 12" distance
d. Move another 6” straight down — Another One Shot from 12" distance
e. Continue this 6” straight down pattern until less than 6” remains in the center of the crotch.
f. One more shot directly in the ‘family jewel’ center of the crotch.
g. If properly performed, two halves like split chicken breasts will remain.
h. If they haven’t already fallen away from each other, give them a bit of a push.
h. Leave the remains for the buzzards (which will no doubt already be circling overhead).
8) SCOTUS:
a. All current (soon to be former) Supreme Court Justices who were appointed by Republican Presidents are to be permanently locked inside the Marble Palace with only the robes on their backs. The Marble Palace will be completely emptied of all removable contents. Food & water to last 1 month for the lot of them will be scattered and hidden throughout the building. Nipsey Hussle’s “Fuck Donald Trump” will be played at 93db 24/7 throughout the building while occupied. Outside the building will be a locked cache of five CVA Hunter Compact .243 Winchester Single Shot Rifles.
Each week on Monday, a raffle will be held across the Nation States. All women aged eighteen and older may enter the raffle. There will be 5 Winners each week. Winners will be transported to the Marble Palace, and all expenses paid. From 8 AM to 5 PM each Monday, the winners from the previous week’s raffle will be let into the Marble Palace armed with one rifle (as stated above) with one shot each. They may hunt together, individually or in whatever method they choose.
Once the five shots are spent or the time expires (whichever comes first), they will exit the building & be transported back to their respective homes.
Rinse, Repeat each week for as long as any Justices remain.
b. All current (soon to be former) Supreme Court Justices who were appointed by Democrat Presidents are to be transported via helicopter and dropped off in Nan Saint Cloud, Haiti with only the robes on their backs and a 2008 model Zune Player with one song on it — “I Wish I Was In Dixie” as recorded by Alvin & The Chipmunks in 1971.
** NOTE: No restrictions are being placed on the Haitian people if or when they encounter a robed, partially robed or previously robed Justice.
Thoughts & Prayers for the new Nation States and their survival skills will be offered daily by all who still give two shits.
Agreed to & ratified by the following authorized signatory this 9th Day of November in the Year of our Demise 2022
So, I watched the first House Jan. 6th Committee Hearing this past Thursday, June 9, 2022. I thought it was well done, clear, concise and, at times, elicited flashback memories and emotions across the range. All things considered, I’m proud the cynical side of me survived and is still fully intact. I can hardly wait for the next one.
Cal Condor (alias Gary Conner)
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